Have you ever experienced the fear of falling asleep? This is just part of the fear Andy Sangma lived with. Andy’s mental state became fragile after he lost two jobs one after the other. While working as a teacher in Shillong, Andy was laid off without notice. Being unable to find another job to make ends meet, he went into mild depression. Having no one to talk to, he would journal his negative thoughts and feelings, or drown them in alcohol at night.
Andy decided to take charge of his life and move to India where he found a job in Noida. Finally working at a job he enjoyed, he felt everything was back on track. Then the Covid pandemic hit India – hard. Along with the 122 million people who lost their jobs in the first year of the pandemic, Andy too lost the job he had just found. It drove him deep into depression this time. Feeling hopeless and defeated, he moved back to Shillong.
Like any traveller during the pandemic, he had to quarantine himself. Two weeks of isolation escalated his depressive thoughts. “I had suicidal thoughts. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I started hearing voices when I tried to sleep.” Andy was petrified of falling asleep and tried to remedy this by keeping the lights on. Unlike the imaginary ‘monsters’ under our bed in childhood that would only come in the dark, Andy’s ‘depression monster’ had no fear of light. One night he heard a voice, “kill yourself, you’ll be free.”
If his own thoughts and the voices in his head kept attacking him, how could Andy hold onto faith? He pushed God away because felt God was purposely making him suffer. With his mind playing such cruel tricks on him, Andy was unable to trust his family, friends or anyone around him.
In quarantine, living only with his negative thoughts, Andy did whatever it took to distract himself. While scrolling aimlessly on Facebook, he came across the CBN India page. He clicked on a random video which, it was the testimony of a woman who suffered from severe depression but found peace in God. Andy was filled with hope when he realised that it was God who led him to CBN India page and all the videos he watched there. He was overcome with courage to fight the depression that was consuming him. With renewed strength, he shared his struggles with his family and friends who supported him through prayer and God’s word.
Having being pulled out of the depths himself, Andy wishes to pay forward the love and hope to anyone who struggles with depression by encouraging them to talk about their thoughts, and by sharing the Bible verse that helped him. For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” Hebrew 13:1. Like he was helped, he hopes others are helped through his experience and victory over depression.
